ART3MI5

(ominous music playing) BATMAN: Black. All important movies start with a black screen. And music. Edgy, scary music that would make a parent or studio executive nervous. And logos. Really long and dramatic logos. Warner Bros. Why not "Warner Brothers"? I don't know. (thunder rumbling) DC. The house that Batman built. Yeah, what, Superman? Come at me, bro. I'm your Kryptonite. Hmm. Not sure what RatPac does, but that logo is macho. I dig it. Okay. Get yourself ready for some reading. "If you want to make a world a better place, "take a look at yourself and make a change. "Hooo." No, I said that. Batman is very wise. I also have huge pecs and a nine-pack. Yeah, I've got an extra ab. Now, let's start the movie. BILL: Gotham Tower. This is McGuffin Airlines, Flight 1138. We are transporting 11 million sticks of dynamite, 17,000 pounds of C-4, about 150 cute little classic bomb-type bombs, and two best friends! And request permission to fly over the most crime-ridden city in the world. Over. I'm just looking at all the guys' faces here in the control tower. -I'm good. -Sounds good to me. -Do it! -Yeah, as long as they're best friends. -Thumbs up! -Yep, I think we're cool with that. (dramatic music playing) LEAD CRIMINAL: Gentlemen, seal breach in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! What was that? -One of us should check it out. -Okay. BOTH: Scissors, paper, rock. -Paper. -Scissors. Ha! You always do paper. I'm a loser at home and a loser at work. Holy cow! (screams) (muzak playing) Captain Dale, is everything okay? LEAD CRIMINAL: I am afraid Captain Dale had to bail. I'm your new co-pilot. And I always come to work with a smile! -You should be terrified. -Why? Because I will be taking over the city. Mmm... -What? -Batman will stop you. -(blows raspberry) -He always stops you. No, he doesn't. What about that time with the two boats? This is better than the two boats. -Mmm... -Well, tonight is gonna be different! Tonight is my greatest plan yet. And trust me, Batman's never gonna see it coming. BILL: Like that time with the parade and the Prince music? JOKER: Hey, quiet! -Good night, Steve. -Take it easy, Jeff. Man, I really like that guy. I sure hope nothing bad happens to him. (Jeff whistling) (singing) Nothing bad happens to me What the... JOKER: Your city is under attack by Gotham's greatest criminal minds. Including -Poison Ivy. PIPPEN: What a shame JOKER: MrBeast Penguinz0, Crazy Eraser. Polka Polka Man, King Kong Oreo, Killer Zodiac Ghost. Clock Man, Man Man, Zebra King, and the Condiment Man. Okay, are you making some of those up? Nope, they're all real. Probably worth a Google. -Hey, watch it! -Commissioner Gordon! What is it, O'Hara? We just got a report! What are we gonna do, sir? The only thing we ever do. Flip the switch to Joker’s Bomb Flip! WHAT DA FUCK?! (Explosion) (Sid Phillips Screaming) (Hannah Phillips Screaming) (Sid Phillips Screams Loudly) ECTOR (HOUROFPOOP) : Well By Jove. VIDA (VIDA’S TINY TRIP) : It Did Feel Fine At First But I Think Walking Made It Worse. The Bat-Signal, she's been egged! -(giggling) -O'HARA: It's Egghead, sir. I'm well aware of his work. Dear gosh. You've destroyed the Bat-Signal. You have thought of everything. Yeah, I know! And when I take over Gotham City... ENERGY PLANT COMPUTER: Opening reactor core doors. JOKER: ...Batman will grovel at the feet of his greatest enemy! Me! The Joker! (laughs) Joker, do you read me? 10-4, girl buddy. We're ready for you, sugar plum. Well, then, let's raise the roof! BANE: Fire in the hole! (sirens wailing) O'Hara, have you tried the Bat-Phone? Yes, but all I'm getting is this hold music. (dramatic music playing) I love it. (tires screeching) -I want snipers trained on that building! -You bet! -I want water and air support, yesterday! -Ahoy, sir! And I need SWAT here now! OFFICER: Phone call for Commissioner Gordon. Hello? Batman? Hi, Jimmy! It's the Jokes. Oop! Nobody calls you that. (scoffs) Yes, people do call me that. Okay, listen up. ALL: Go, go, go! JOKER: At this very moment, an unnecessarily complicated bomb is being attached to the inside of the main energy core. If the mayor isn't here in five minutes to negotiate the city's surrender, then I shall destroy Gotham City. I did something! PIPPA: Doctor, that sounds frightening and overly complicated. Talk us through it. Well, I don't wanna scare any small children who may be listening, but it's a little-known fact that Gotham City is built on a bunch of flimsy plates stuck together. There's literally nothing beneath us, except an infinite abyss that smells like dirty underwear. If Joker's bomb were to go off, these plates would brake apart, plunging every Gotham citizen into the eternal abyss forever. JOKER: And you wouldn't want that, now would you? Now get me the mayor! Joker out! Madam Mayor, I cannot ask you to do this! -Jim, did you find Batman? -No, ma'am. Then we have no choice. The Joker has the upper hand. We have to surrender Gotham City. GORDON: Oh, no. I'm sorry! PILOT: Flying the mayor package in right now. SWAT LEADER: SWAT team, get your stun guns ready! -Non-lethal. -BOTH: Yeah! PILOT: Lowering mayor package through hole. JOKER: Madam Mayor! Thanks for dropping by. (scoffs) I've only got one thing to say to you, Joker. Well, you better make it fast. Do you like to gamble? Oh, I certainly do. Do you ever play roulette? On occasion. Well, let me give you a word of advice. I'm all ears. When playing roulette... Yes? ...always bet on black. Batman? What are you doing? You're completely outnumbered here! Are you nuts? You wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts! 'Cause I just wrote a song about how I'm gonna kick all your butts! Stop him before he starts singing! (heavy metal music playing) (singing) Yeah! In the darkest night I make the bad guys fall There's a million heroes Computer, overcompensate. But I'm the best of them all PUTER: I'm on my way, sir. -Who has the coolest gadgets? -Batman! -Who does the tricked-out ride? -Batman! -Who does the sickest backflips? -Batman! Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na Batman! Yeah, hey, hey! Batman jam! Da-na, da-na, da-na, da-na Batman! You think my muscles are big? Thank you. You haven't seen my brain Ladies, it's okay if you stare Why? 'Cause I'm a billionaire Get it together, guys! You're making me look bad in front of Batman! 'Puter, where's the bomb? PUTER: The bomb is located at the base of the energy core. What the... I get the last laugh I get the final grin Throw you into the asylum With Harley Quinn Turn Two-Face To black-and-blue face I 100% am not Bruce Wayne! Kiss me, Batman. -Who's the manliest man? -Ugh! Batman! -With the buns of steel -Batman! 'Puter. -Who could choke-hold a bear? -Batman! -Who never skips leg day? -Batman! Who always pays their taxes? Not Batman How is he beating all of you again? -(groans) -Because... Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm Batman! It's gonna blow! I'm Batman! Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm Batman! Hi, Batman! So weird to keep running into you. Batman! Looks like your plan failed. Well, it's only a matter of time before I take over Gotham City. When has that ever happened? Computer! PUTER: Calculating. Never. -You know why? -(yelps) Because I'm always one step ahead of you. And I always get away! Not this time. 'Cause this time I got you. Oh, yeah? Well, there's only one problem. Who's gonna defuse the bomb? It's gotta be one or the other, Batman. Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy. You can't do both. I'm sorry, what did you just say? You can't do both, I said. No, I mean the other thing. Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy. You think you're my greatest enemy? Yes! You're obsessed with me. (blows raspberry) No, I'm not. -Yes, you are. -No, I'm not. Yes, you are! Who else drives you to one-up them the way that I do? -Bane. -No, he doesn't. -Superman. -Superman's not a bad guy! Then I'd say that I don't currently have a bad guy. I am fighting a few different people. What? I like to fight around. Okay, look, I'm fine with you fighting other people if you wanna do that, but what we have is special. So when people ask you "Who's your number one bad guy?" you say... Superman. Are you seriously saying that there is nothing, nothing special about our relationship? Whoa. Let be tell you something, J-bird. -Batman doesn't do 'ships. -What? As in "relationships." There is no "us." Batman and Joker are not a thing. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean nothing to me. No one does. (bomb timer beeping) (grunting) (snips) -Hurray! Batman! -(all cheering) You did it! You're welcome. -Thank you, Batman. -Oh, my pleasure. WOMAN: Batman, we love you! Thank you! I'm blushing super hard under the mask. -Grazie, Batman! (blows kiss) -Prego. -MAN: You're the best, Batman! -Oh, I'm humble. -Thanks, Batman! -I'm super modest about it. Thank you. -Batman, you're the greatest! -Oh, pray hands, pray hands. -WOMAN: Thanks for saving the city! -You're welcome. MAN 1: Batman, I love you more than my kids! BATMAN: So do I, guy! (upbeat music playing) MAN 2: You're our hero, Batman! (laughs) I love my life. Computer. PUTER: Go ahead. -BATMAN: Are we near the orphanage? -Yes. Great. Let's turn those frowns upside down. (honking Batman theme) That sounds like the Batmobile. No way! Hey, orphans! Look who's here! -(orphans clamoring) -It's Batman! Hey, kids. Who wants a shot from the merch gun? -ALL: I do, I do, I do! -Great! -Kaboom! -I got a lunchbox! -Kaboom! -I got a sippy cup! -Kaboom! -I got a Batarang! And the rest of you get Bat Bucks. -Kaboom! -(all cheering) Remember, kids, if you want to be like Batman, take care of your abs. Batman out! ORPHANS: (chanting) Batman! Batman! Batman! (honking Batman playing) Thanks, Batman. You're my hero! (upbeat music continues playing) Whoo! (laughing) PUTER: What is the password? Iron Man sucks. Thank you. It must be great to be Batman. I can only imagine he is going home right now to party the night away, surrounded by scores of friends and lady tennis players. (bats squeaking) Hey, Computer. I'm home. (echoing) PUTER: Welcome home, sir. Initializing Batcave operating system. Hey, 'Puter. What's up, Batman? Put this bomb in the museum. Certainly, sir. -Thank you. -No worries. Anything exciting happen when I was gone? You have four pieces of mail. Great, what'd I get? You have this week's Pennysaver, two bills, and a coupon for Bed Bath and Beyond. It expires in two weeks. But I've heard that some stores will honor them past the expiry date. Copy that. Also, Alfred is on the 17th floor, grouting tiles in the second bathroom, of the fifth master bedroom. Do you want me to tell Alfred you're home? No, that's cool, Computer. Thanks for the update. I should probably have some dinner. Alfred left your lobster thermidor in the fridge. Oh, that's my favorite. I can't wait. Oh, not 20 minutes. Stupid. (sighs) (smacks lips rhythmically) (strumming) (clears throat) (playing guitar solo) Oh, wait. There, which one is, uh... Okay. (slow music playing) JERRY MAGUIRE: You complete me. (laughs) DOROTHY BOYD: (sniffles) Shut up. You had me at hello. (laughing) Love it! (sighs)