RottenNecro

General

My interests are football, arts, Muay Thai, the military, watching movies, staying up all night, and repeating the routine."

I’ve been thinking about it for a while now... I think since before a child ever should. Life always treated me well, I’ll never complain. It’s my fault... I had every opportunity, and I didn’t choose to take any of them. I think—no, I believe—my best stage was before I turned nine. I had everything: perfect grades, friends, self-esteem. There was absolutely nothing to worry about. Everything was fine.

So, what did I do wrong? Everything? I wish I had stayed there... Everything was so good. Why did I have to change? Was it necessary?

My mom always reminds me what a failure I am. She told me over and over until it was engraved in my memory:

"You're good for nothing."

"You're useless."

"I don’t want a worthless girl in my house."

"If you keep this up, you’re not staying here."

"You’ll end up on the street."

All those words have made me think: what’s the point of going on if I’m nothing more than a lost cause now? What else am I without my past? What will I even be in the future?

Thinking about it, I’ve become an idiot... Everything was going so WELL. Was it leaving the country, maybe? NO. I always blame others for my mistakes. I don’t want to admit it. There are so many things in my head and I can’t get a single one out... I... I know I didn’t try. I can’t even say I didn’t try hard enough, because I didn’t try at all.

But I’d rather take my life than hear those disgusting words again, the ones that enter my head once and never leave. At school, I’ll probably have to repeat the year, and it’s all my fault.

That’s why I write—because I want someone to know the reason I want to leave this world. It’s nobody’s fault. It never will be. It’s my decision. Everything is my decision.

Some time ago, I did something wrong. My mom took my phone away and I had the repressed urge to hit her. Sounds weird... but I feel like I’m not capable of hating her, yet I can’t fully love her either. She says it’s for my own good, but I don’t really know if it is. I don’t even know what’s right or wrong anymore.

Not long ago, she also yelled at me and hit me, but now I’m not sure I can hold back anymore. So many times I want to hit her, to scream at her, but she would never understand.

I want to go home so badly... But my home isn’t here. It’s nowhere. It doesn’t exist. I don’t get it. Nobody gets it. THERE’S NO PLACE FOR THE ME THAT I AM NOW. I want to leave so badly, to make them suffer... To make them suffer from the absence of me. But I’m sure no one would miss me. Still, I so badly want to make them cry, suffer—just suffer.

Such small and insignificant things reflect so much in me. Really? Is it fair?

I have only one person who, even though they don’t know me, I think would remember me. Who wouldn’t see our friendship as something temporary. Someone who truly would have loved me...

I’m blank! I... I have the idea of leaving this world before hearing the shards that come from her mouth... before they dig into my skin and never come out... But I know it won’t be possible.

But when the time comes... I plan for it to be on a winter afternoon. Maybe snowy. Maybe just a blue, cold afternoon... Very blue. I love blue. My thoughts are blue. My tears are blue. Everything is so blue...

I plan to take some pills while listening to a song... Maybe Crystal Castles (Knights) or 4 Morant. I don’t know... I think, I think maybe around 6-7-8... Although my favorite time is twelve, or maybe 4-5 a.m... They’re magical... No one feels them, right? I do...

I want to stay away from my family, but I want to talk to someone. I need someone. I’ve always wanted someone who listens and doesn’t judge me. And I know that’s not my family.

They say I have an addiction to my phone...

But it’s my only anchor to “reality.”

I don’t really have friends, I think...

I just want someone I want to talk to, someone I can be with—

and this is all I have:

a device that, sooner or later, will shut off...

Just like me.

I just want to Disappear... I want to be dead for everyone.

Thank you.

Music

Nirvana

Mc bushpig 

Weezer

Smashing pumpkins 

Kate bush

Esophagus 

Brutal pig 

Insane clown posse 

Machine girl 

Ella Fitzgerald 

Dj trippie flame boy

Cristal Castles

Metallica 

Movies

1. Hereditary

2. The Conjuring

3. A Quiet Place

4. Get Out

5. It Follows

6. The Witch

7. Midsommar

8. The Babadook

9. The Shining

10. Us

1. Castle in the Sky

2. Grave of the Fireflies

3. My Neighbor Totoro

4. Kiki's Delivery Service

5. Only Yesterday

6. Porco Rosso

7. Princess Mononoke

8. My Neighbors the Yamadas

9. Spirited Away

10. The Cat Returns

11. Howl's Moving Castle

12. Ponyo

13. The Secret World of Arrietty

14. From Up on Poppy Hill

15. The Wind Rises

16. The Tale of the P

rincess Kaguya

17. When Marnie Was There

Television

The Nanny

Bewitched

Books

IT

Heroes

Idk, Eleven of strangers things