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Villager 1: Think it's in there? Villager 2: All right. Let's get it! Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Villager 3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin... Villagers: No! SHREK: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. Villager 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (Waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek terrifies the mob with a frightening roar, his spit extinguishing all the remaining torches. SHREK: (Whispering) This is the part where you run away. The men drop their torches and pitchforks and flee as fast they can. SHREK: And stay out! (looks down and picks up a wanted poster. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairytale creatures." (He sighs and drops the paper on the ground.) THE NEXT DAY - FOREST Lines of fairy tale creatures are put in chains and are led into wagons by Duloc Guards. The Captain of the Duloc Guards sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairytale creatures in. Waiting in line is Donkey on a leash and his owner. Some of the others in line include Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Geppetto who is carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer carrying the Three Little Pigs. GUARD: All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! THE CAPTAIN: Next! GUARD: (Taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) THE CAPTAIN: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD: Get up! Come on! Mama Bear and Papa Bear are locked inside giant cages, with Little Bear in his own cage. LITTLE BEAR: (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY: (To his owner) Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN: Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY: Oh! THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got? GEPPETTO: This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) THE CAPTAIN: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! (Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.) THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN: Well, I've got a talking donkey. THE CAPTAIN: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN: Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey stays silent). THE CAPTAIN: Well?.. OLD WOMAN: Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. (Smacks Donkey) Talk, you boneheaded dolt, talk! THE CAPTAIN: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN: No, no, he talks! He does. (Moving Donkey's lips) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. THE CAPTAIN: Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and starts floating upwards. DONKEY: Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN: He can fly! THREE LITTLE PIGS: He can fly! THE CAPTAIN: He can talk?! DONKEY: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (The pixie dust's effects begin to wear off) Uh-oh. (He drops out of the air and hits the ground with a thud.) THE CAPTAIN: Seize him! Donkey dodges the guards as they try to grab him and runs deeper into the forest. GUARDS: He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs head first into Shrek's backside. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him and glares down at Donkey. Donkey looks scared of Shrek for a moment, but he quickly hides him after seeing that the guards have caught up to him. THE CAPTAIN: You there. Ogre! SHREK: Aye? THE CAPTAIN: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and...(Shrek slowly approaches the group of guards, the guards visibly frightened by him) transport you to... a designated...resettlement...facility? SHREK: Oh, really? You and what army? (Smiles) The Captain looks behind himself and sees that all the other guards have abandoned him. The Captain tucks tail and runs off. Shrek shakes his head and starts walking back to his swamp. Donkey, impressed by Shrek, follows him. DONKEY: Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK: Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY: Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK: (Annoyed) Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY: Man, it's good to be free. SHREK: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before loudly roaring in is face. DONKEY: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK: Why are you following me? DONKEY: I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have friends... SHREK: Stop singing! (Picks up Donkey by his ears and tail) It's no wonder you don't have any friends (drops him). DONKEY: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY: (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh...really tall? SHREK: No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY: Nope. SHREK: Really? DONKEY: Really, really. SHREK: Oh. DONKEY: Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK: Uh, Shrek. DONKEY: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of "I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me" thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill overlooking Shrek's home.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK: That would be my home. DONKEY: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. (Looks at Shrek's "keep out" signs) I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK: I like my privacy. DONKEY: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You'retrying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. And there's that big awkward silence you know? (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK: Uh, what? DONKEY: Can I stay with you, please? SHREK: (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY: Really? SHREK: No. DONKEY: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (Donkey pushes Shrek up against the door) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK: Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY: Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the hut) SHREK: What are you...No! (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! DONKEY: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin'... I'm makin' waffles. SHREK: Oh! DONKEY: Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK: (irritated) Outside! DONKEY: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door, shutting Donkey outside) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S HOME - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK: (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside! DONKEY: (from the window) I am outside! Shrek hears a noise from inside and turns to find the source. He sees several shadows moving and looks around, spotting the Three Blind Mice on his table. MOUSE 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? MOUSE 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDON: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs Gordon, but he escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDON: I found some cheese. (bites into Shrek's ear) SHREK: Ow! (tries to grab him) GORDO: Blah! Awful stuff. (jumps down to the table) BLIND MOUSE: Is that you, Gordon? GORDO: How did you know? SHREK: Enough! (he grabs all three mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! Shrek turns around and sees the Seven Dwarves have put Snow White, sleeping in her glass coffin, on the table. SHREK: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table! DWARF: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK: Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF: What? Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that a horde of fairytale creatures have set up camp in his swamp. SHREK: Oh, no. No! No! (He dodges out the way of a group of witches flying on broomsticks) The Three Bears (minus Mama Bear) sit around the fire, the Pied Piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK: What are you doing in my swamp?!! (this echoes throughout the camp and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The Three Good Fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there! Not there! (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO: Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK: What? PINOCCHIO: We were forced to come here. SHREK: (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK: (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this... "Farquaad" guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY: Oh, I do. I know where he is! SHREK: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY: Me! Me! SHREK: Anyone? DONKEY: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK: (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention all...fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd cheers wildly.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY: (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK: What did I say about singing? DONKEY: Can I whistle? SHREK: No. DONKEY: Can I hum it? SHREK: All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - DUNGEON A masked man is pouring a glass of milk. Another man is shown walking down the hallway towards the room. As he is let into the room by two guards, we can see that the man is abnormally short. The masked man is dunking a small person into the glass of milk. FARQUAAD: (stepping forward) That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk by Thelonious and is slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad manically laughs as he walks over to the table. When he reaches the table we see that it only goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD: (he picks up the Gingy's severed legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! GINGY: You're a monster. FARQUAAD: I'm not the monster here, you are. (throws one leg at Gingy) You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world (crumbes his other leg into dust). Now, tell me! Where are the others?! GINGY: Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he grabs one of Gingy's gumdrop buttons) GINGY: No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons! FARQUAAD: All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGY: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD: The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man. FARQUAAD: Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN: Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD: The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man! FARQUAAD: She's married to the muffin man...(A door opens and the Captain announces himself) HEAD GUARD: My lord! We've found it.

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